Conptemplating forgiveness...

In my most recent journey in life and I have come across situations in which I have allowed myself to be a victim...not by choice of course, but by the way in which I allowed situations to control, change or move me emotionally. It's often hard to step back and see things clearly when you allow yourself to be offended by some other persons life walk. In talking with a friend tonight I realized that so many things are done without thought...or perhaps due to circumstances beyond our control. Sometimes, we make choices that we might otherwise not make given different circumstances. Not one of us know how we might handle a situation...we can only assume. My journey tonight led me to search for insight on forgiveness and happened upon the following article which gave me much food for thought.

FORGIVENESS

“If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he wrongs you seven times in one day and returns to you seven times saying 'I am sorry,' you should forgive him.” Luke 17:3-4

We may find it difficult to forgive a person even if they are truly aware and truly remorseful for the hurt they have caused us. The above passage from Luke refers to a person who is truly "repentant', and in that case we are to forgive from the heart without limit. Easier said than done. What if we can't forgive or, what if the other person does not admit they've done anything wrong?

First we must establish what exactly it is we are forgiving, then we identify and work through our own feelings (anger, rage, sadness, shame etc.), then if we can't forgive, we pray and put it in God's hands. It is in our own best interest to forgive whether that involves reconciliation with the other person or an acceptance and moving on. Forgiveness may take time; forgiving prematurely and not really meaning it, is counter-productive.

If the person who wronged or abused us does not admit or denies that they have done something wrong to us, can we really maintain the status quo and go on like nothing happened? Can forgiveness in this situation, be just an acceptance of what has happened and an honest acknowledgement of the hurt and pain we received? Without a person acknowledging and fully understanding the wrong they have committed, how can there be any forgiveness? If we can't get past it, then we must pray for guidance.

Do we have to be reconciled with that person? Not in every situation. Some people are abusive, toxic and just plain dangerous. You're not expected to be the suffering hero. We can set limits and boundaries with others on how we want to be treated and we don't have to live in situations that are harmful or go against our moral values.

Forgiveness has nothing to do with geography. We don't have to be anywhere near them to forgive. Forgiveness is about working through the pain, then letting go. We don't know why people do some of the things they do. People do although, have reasons for what they do. It may not seem valid to us but it may be for them. Empathy and understanding are useful tools in the process. We may come to realize that the individuals are also in pain. Pain is universal and there is more than enough to go around. On the other hand, they are responsible for their actions and we are not responsible for other people's feelings.

We also need to forgive ourselves. If we have wronged someone else, accepted responsibility for our actions, felt truly sorry and remorseful and apologized - then we too have to forgive ourselves and move on. Forgiving and having compassion for ourselves is one of the hardest things to do.

It is necessary to allow ourselves to grieve the loss as well as feel any other emotions such as anger and sadness. It is not always necessary or safe to confront the person who wronged you and you may want to speak with a counsellor or therapist depending on your situation. You do need to take your own time. It is a process. We need to be able to forgive on an emotional as well as an intellectual level. Then again, we may be at a point where we just want to let it go - and forgive.

If you can put some kind of positive resolution to what happened, you may be on your way to forgive. It's all in how we look at it and two people can look at the same thing and see it differently. Forgiving doesn't mean you forgot what happened, it just means that you won't hold it against the person(s) anymore. Forgiveness cannot be demanded; it has to be given freely.